Inspiration Lifestyle

Not The Mama I Want To Be

5th February 2017

How weird is being a parent? You spend every day willing your babies to grow, learn and develop and then find yourself looking back at photos and feeling sad that your babies have in fact grown and developed and that they aren’t really babies anymore. It’s the most incredible thing to watch a miniature human develop but god, is it bloody hard at times.

I’m having an ‘I’m a really rubbish parent’ kinda day today. We’ve had a couple of mega tantrums from an overly tired four year old who has decided that sleep is for the weak and she certainly ain’t weak. I’m scrolling through photos of my beautiful girl as a tiny tot and its filling me with all the feels. Wouldn’t it be amazing if we could go back in time and spend just a single day with them as they were then, just one day to soak up their babyness and cuddle them tight and really appreciate them in all their miniature glory, instead of battling with the most determined and strong willed child that ever lived? I remember reading a quote somewhere (on the internet, probs) saying that the very parts of a child’s personality that drive you insanely crazy will be the exact things that drive your babies far in life – I don’t doubt that for a moment.

I feel like sometimes I’m the mum I never wanted to be; the mum that constantly shouts. Each morning I wake up and have a quick word with myself, reminding me that today I must be more mindful, don’t shout, don’t stress out, just chill. But before I know it, it’s pre-8am and I’m raising my voice because Nora has been storing a mouthful of porridge in her cheek for the past 8 minutes. JUST CHEW THE FOOD, NORA. Of course, then comes the crazy parent guilt.

I’m raising these tiny people and personally moulding them into the adults they’ll be in years to come and it totally frightens me. I just want to make sure I’m doing this parenting thing right and days like today make me feel like I’m probably not. Children grow up too quickly. Everyone tells you that before you have them, but you never quite realise it until you experience it for yourself. I must make a conscious effort to appreciate the moment and to take a step back and realise that eating a bowl of porridge in the most painfully slow way possible isn’t really worth shouting too much over, is it? As bloody exasperating as it may be. I guess our children learn by testing the boundaries. Maybe my boundaries are a little too strict and maybe my expectations are a little too high.

Anyway, I’m off to cuddle the aforementioned hormonal four year old now and hope that tomorrow we both wake up on the better side of the forever-shared bed.

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  • Eva Katona 3rd July 2017 at 10:45 pm

    Oh Jess I had this all weekend being on my own with the kids. I used to be such a calm and chilled person! And you don’t get anywhere with shouting but sometimes it’s just all so frustrating! I hear ya x

    • Jess 7th July 2017 at 12:18 pm

      It’s hard work isn’t it! I hate being shouty but sometimes it’s all I can be! xx

  • Michelle Le Goff 4th July 2017 at 5:49 pm

    Hey Jess, I am expecting my first child in 3 months time, I am definitely not a calm person and I can imagine how frustrating it is to deal with children sometimes. I am so not looking forward to it. xxx

    • Jess 7th July 2017 at 12:16 pm

      Moments like this are so outweighed by the wonderful moments that your baby will bring, don’t worry!! xx

  • Joanna 5th July 2017 at 3:33 pm

    I don’t have children so I can’t relate but I can’t imagine that you can ever fail at being a good parent. And that is because you will love your children no matter what and your decisions on how to raise them will always be born out of love.

    • Jess 7th July 2017 at 12:14 pm

      Thanks so much, that really is lovely to hear xx

  • Clare 8th July 2017 at 7:54 pm

    Yes I am having a difficult day with my 7 year old today. Its so hard sometimes, but you’ve got to keep smiling and hope the next day will be a little easier :)

    • Jess 11th July 2017 at 9:07 pm

      I’m sorry to hear you had a difficult day, these kids like to test us!

  • Simone 10th July 2017 at 7:57 pm

    We’ve all been there & I can relate to this post so much

    • Jess 11th July 2017 at 9:14 pm

      I’m so glad it’s not just me! These kids like to test us xx

  • Natalie Dickinson 11th July 2017 at 5:06 pm

    You think 4 year old strops are bad…think of what a 12 year old is capable of 😉 They just get better and better!! ha-ha! Only joking. It sounds like you are doing a fab job and we all have days like this, I felt bad this morning as I drove all the way to work with my son’s PE kit realising he’d then get into trouble because of me! xx

    • Jess 11th July 2017 at 9:15 pm

      oh no! I did the PE kit thing a few weeks ago, she had to do PE in her school clothes and I didn’t even realise until the following week – bad Mama alert! I am absolutely dreading 12 year old strops haha!! So much to look forward to!! xx

  • Helen 14th July 2017 at 11:05 am

    Oh I so get this! Wouldn’t it be wonderful to go back in time for just a day and relive some moments in the knowledge that the frustrations will all pass? Instead I try and remind myself that they do when I’m experiencing today’s mayhem!

  • Aneeq London 14th July 2017 at 10:00 pm

    I think we all feel the parent guilt thing. I do the same thing everyday. ‘Today I’m not going to raise my voice’. Five minutes later…

  • Little B & Me 15th July 2017 at 12:42 pm

    I’ve felt that babe, I am adamant we judge ourselves way too harshly!
    I’ve found speaking calmly to B & taking toys away works better than getting angry with him but not shouting is SO hard !

    You are an amazing mummy, <3

  • Nicole - thelittlestdarlings 15th July 2017 at 4:23 pm

    I can relate the this post so much! I find ways of dealing with Lucas better but I still end up shouting if he is really naughty and i always feel so guilty for that

  • Rachelanne_bee 15th July 2017 at 10:26 pm

    Omg i so relate to this. Desperate for my little boy to walk, then he does and I’m upset he’s growing up so fast! Parenting is just one huge catch 22!!

  • Munchiesandmunchkins 28th October 2017 at 6:04 pm

    Parental guilt sucks a lot. I think most of us especially mum’s feel the same. I have days where I feel like I’ve shouted all day but I know my kids adore me and I’m sure yours do too.